A possible projection of the future, had calmer (and smarter) heads not prevailed:
FORTY FORT, Pa – September 18, 2020 â€“ To no oneâ€™s surprise the northeastern PA. borough of Forty Fort officially seceded from the United States today. Standing by the gate in the 50 foot high fence surrounding the community, the mayor proclaimed the day a proud one for the 100 remaining residents.
â€œThe first thing we did 10 years ago was get rid of all them pesky forms with two languages on them. If you canâ€™t read American you canâ€™t live here so go away.â€ said the Mayor.
More recently phone service, landline and cellular, was terminated.
â€œPeople were dialing out and getting these menus in English and Spanish. It was just wrong.â€ A Council member said. â€œWe didnâ€™t want our kids to grow up thinking English was a second language.â€ he continued. Access to the internet has been eliminated as well.
The newly formed Forty Fort culinary police were busy eradicating the ethnic food sections of local grocery stores. Two Chinese takeout restaurants have been shuttered and the fast food restaurant chains have changed the popular potato dishâ€™s name to Fort Fries.
Bourough council was also happy to report that the bonfire burning all foreign language textbooks was a great success.
â€œThey wonâ€™t be teaching that Hinky-Dinky, Parlez Vous in our schoolsâ€ the school board president said. When a reporter pointed out that the remaining families with school age children had moved out of the borough he shrugged and replied â€œAh who needs â€˜em. Probably a bunch of foreigners anyway. Hey, you look sort of foreign yourself.â€
Access to Forty Fort has been restricted to the single gate in the tall fence surrounding the community. Vehicles manufactured in countries other than the United States are denied entry.
â€œWe donâ€™t need any of them foreign crap boxes in our town!â€ said the Mayor.
When a reporter pointed out that many cars with American marques were manufactured on foreign soil the Mayor replied â€œWhat are you, some sort of smart aleck? And what does marque mean anyway? Is that a Jap car you drove here in? You better get going.â€ The Mayor brandished a weapon.
When a reporter pointed out that the weapon was an AK-47 of Russian origin Â he was escorted Â by the Mayor out of the sovereign nation of Forty Fort at rifle point.
â€œAmerica for Americans.â€ He said, locking the gate.