The latest chapter in the continuing saga of Jim Rising home handyman. The old shed had to come to down because the new one was coming in. I have a friend who follows my exploits and he has suggested that I would be much better off if I became more of a DYI guy. DYI and I don’t get along. My first inclination when I need stuff done around the Rising ranch is SEBDI. Somebody else better do it. Or maybe SECDIB. Somebody else can do it better. But the new shed was to be built on the location of the old one on Wednesday. Fruitless calls to find men with strong backs and weak minds all Monday steered me in the DYI direction.
The old shed looked like it was holding out on gravity mostly by Christian Science and obstinacy. I went out first thing Tuesday morning with a chainsaw. My experience with chainsaws? Most people I know turn white when I confess ownership of one. Suffice it to say mine has 911 writ large on the blade. It is an emergency room visit waiting to happen. But I fired the sucker up and went after the shed. Within five minutes I hit a nail, broke the chain and was reduced to tears, all almost simultaneously. Later confessions of this incident had the listeners cringing and talking about the God who protects small children and fools.
Now what? An axe and a hammer and brute force profanity took care of two of the four walls and the roof. I was sweating profusely, bleeding from 75% of my body and in a negative frame of mind. The walls that remained standing were surprisingly stout. Profanity resistant they were. I scoured the house looking for implements of minor destruction.
Aha! A circular saw. At first thought you wouldn’t think it would work. That’s if you were in any sort of rational frame of mind which I was not. With three miles of extension cable I set to work. In no time flat I hit my first nail but the saw was more forgiving than the chain saw. It just leaped in my hands and made a noise like cats being tortured. Later confessions about this insanity made the same listeners give me that look reserved for circus sideshow acts.
All in all it took me from first light until late afternoon but I did it. The shed was reduced to a pile of wood scraps. The air was blue from profanity. And I was reduced to a bent over snarling semblance of human, more Neanderthal than not. New shed looks nice. I can just see it when I crawl to the window.