The time of ghosts, goblins and ghoulies to just use “G” words is upon us. Strange days indeed, these leading up to the holiday we know as Halloween.
As an adult I know, of course, that the only real purpose of Halloween is to dress up and drink heavily. Bars love Halloween around here. They offer prizes for the best costumes. People travel from costume contest to costume contest and clean up. The camouflage of the costumes often allows customers to get over served. Then the bars get to clean up. And not Orange-flavored gummy and liquid candy that looks like barf. Which brings me to my real subject.
Candy at Halloween has come a long way since the days of wax fangs and gummy earthworms. Now you can safely gross out almost anybody. None of the following was made up, these are all readily available. Mostly in the big Pharmacy chains, for some odd reason. The descriptions are, for the most part, cribbed directly from the packages.
Interlocking bone candies. A plastic coffin that contains interlocking bones that connect to build one 4 1/2″ candy skeleton. The makers have thoughtfully appended this: WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD.
Thirsty? How about: Bag O Blood – The right “type” of Halloween candy for trick-or-treat fun! Get it? “Type”, like blood “type.” Filled with realistic-looking watermelon-flavored liquid candy.
Gummy Flesh Fries. This candy makes great “finger food.” These are in a red cardboard containers that looks just like you know whose. What fun you could have at the fast food joint. Or maybe not.
Minty Maggots. Super yucky and breath-freshening at the same time, mint-flavored candy “maggots.”
Test Tubes with Liquid Candy. Assorted styles include fake worms, eyeballs and a severed finger.
Boo-Boo Licks Edible Candy Bandages. Edible candy bandages with gooey, sticky centers.
Barf Bags. What a fun “gag” gift! Get it? “Gag” gift? Toss this colorful mix of tasty candies into goody bags at a Halloween party! Think your guests can handle these juicy contents? Orange-flavored gummy and liquid candy.
But a little more disturbing is the following. We have all heard rumors about razor blades in apples or roach powder on the chocolate bars. Although there have been very few actual proven cases of poisoned or tampered candy at Halloween this still seems like a colossally bad idea.
Broken Glass Candy. A Halloween treat that’ll really freak out your friends! Each pack contains four pieces of apple-flavored candy that has been molded to look like realistically broken glass. Bite into this fat-free candy for a taste that’s really on the cutting edge.
Two things here. Clearly I have missed my calling. Writing copy for Halloween candy. Who knew? And…Happy Halloween!