The rant d’jour click here

Blog Post for Tuesday 2/1/11 – 19 degrees at 7:12 AM – snowed about 4″ to 6″ – L.C.C.C. is closed.

I am OK with school being off today. I just came off a pretty good run of long days and last night was called back to work at 7 PM.
My plan, such as it is for today, will be watching the long suffering-wife shovel snow. This will be interrupted by naps. My big screen TV was delivered yesterday so I will have to study on that. Here is something that will likely become a column.

I need to take some time this week to address a very serious issue. I have never been more serious in my life and I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it was written, serious as a leg cramp. You see I am shocked there is no foundation for the prevention of leg cramps otherwise commonly known as the “Charley Horse.” As one of the millions who suffers often from these intense, debilitating muscle spasms I ask, why isn’t there more being done to eradicate them? I am not making light of other diseases, Lord knows no one gets through life without being touched personally by a major affliction. But I ask you, who will stand up for leg cramps? There, that could be our slogan. Or possibly “Stomp out Charley horses.”

Count yourself among the very lucky if you have never had a sudden leg cramp. They tend to strike at night, usually waking the poor unfortunate sufferer from a blissful sound sleep to screaming agony in seconds. I have also heard of men bravely enduring one while engaged in, shall we say, intimate contact. Screaming and hopping around cursing is a sure way to spoil the mood.

I suggest that if there is a way to induce leg cramps that no other form of torture would ever be needed.

“Und so, Ve vill give you the Charley horse.”
“NOOOOO, not that. I’ll confess! What do you want me to confess to?”

Cures, once you have the misfortune to get a leg cramp, are myriad. They take up more space in the Internets than pictures of Corvettes with big headlights. This is because it is not a recognized disease with a telethon and big name celebrities pleading with you to pledge now. We need some a spokesperson to help us out. I am thinking Mary Hart. With her million dollar legs she would perfect. Maybe a poster of her rubbing them gams, with a baby seal looking at her, crying. Yeah, that would bring the bucks in.

Or this fella:

Give, because it really, really hurts

The only way I have found to cure a severe Charley horse is, and you will probably think I am making this up, is to rub the Philtrum. That’s that part of your upper lip with the grooves in it. Keep on rubbing it and eventually the cramp will go away. But, as soon as you stop rubbing, bam, quicker than Emeril with the spice rack, the pain returns. A lifetime of rubbing your lip seems grim, doesn’t it?

A while ago I was innocently pursuing one of my favorite pastimes. Snoozing in my reclining chair. I was deep into that dream where I win the Daytona 500 when the most severe leg cramps I have ever experienced hit me like lightning bolts in both legs at once. Unable to stand because my legs couldn’t push down the chair, I was in the most severe distress of my life, helpless and writhing in pain. I picture myself like a turtle on it’s back, waving my arms and legs. A big, crying turtle.

The other night on American Idol the relative of one of the contestants who made it to Hollywood (Tiwan Strong, who ironically sang “Twisting the Night Away”) was hit by one just as the moment of truth happened. Strong burst from the door way as she was yelling “Charley horse!”

Ryan Seacrest, whom I am convinced is unable to see his reflection in a mirror and sleeps hanging upside down in the daytime, was less than solicitous. He laughed his ass off at her, smirking like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen since watching Dick Clark countdown the New Year. See what I did there? Ryan would never make fun of Dick, but he felt free to chortle at this poor ladies expense while she was in agony. So we need some dignity, some respect, some compassion for this all too common affliction. And possibly a leg massage from Mary Hart.

Today’s rant is one of the earlier ones. I am sure I used the clips I attached in video form as background when I delivered it one the air. Not that I need any MORE work here but I am toying with the idea of offering my dulcet tones reading these rants as part of the experience. Probably not but…

Did you ever get a song stuck in your head for days at a time?

Most of us have.

Why is it that it’s always the dumbest…more

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About James Rising

A recovering radio addict wrestles with the written word.
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