WEEKENDER Column: What I’ve Learned


What I’ve learned:

I hate everybody. With a few exceptions. You. Me. I’m not so sure about me. I love everybody. At arm’s length. Three categories of people will smell need and make you wait. Bankers. Women. Drug dealers. Anything electronic or mechanical will fail. At the worst possible moment.

A meal you have cooked yourself never tastes as good as one cooked by someone else.Nothing in life is as good as ice cream. Maybe sex is as good as ice cream. But you can have ice cream anytime and with anyone.

Religion is unnecessary. Until you need something to believe in. Usually in a hospital. Graveyards serve no purpose. They waste land that could be golf courses. The cemetery is full of indispensable people. Golf is a stupid game unless it is an excuse to drink.

Daughters always call. Anybody who says they are not prejudiced probably is. Judge a person by their looks. You will always be wrong. Anticipation trumps realization every time. Maintenance is hard. I’d rather be hot than cold. No one ever sweats to death. It’s called work for a reason. Anytime they pay you for doing it, it’s automatically work.

Overheard conversations are interesting. It’s great to see things from other perspectives. I am a voyeur. I love seeing people in the act of being themselves, unaware. Spelling correctly is a rare gift. Signs in public often betray this.

The stages of grief and the stages of love are identical. The order is shuffled but they are the same.
If you are really hungry, order soup. It comes quickly. No matter what line you choose it will be the slowest one. Count your change. Add up the restaurant bill. Don’t trust spellcheck. According to this program spellcheck is misspelled.

The belief that the pilot wants to live as much as you do is erroneous. Tip generously.

If you were to explain the sex act to an alien race they would think you were kidding. Negotiations begin with no. The better it tastes the worse it is for you. Light bulbs burn out in three’s.

The more you like the tie the more lunch you will get on it. Truth will out. Alcohol speeds this process. Alcohol doesn’t make liars. It makes fools. Being on time is a virtue. Most people are not virtuous. Dead is too late. Love now. Often. Tell them so.


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About James Rising

A recovering radio addict wrestles with the written word.
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