Road Rules

I have been observing driving habits here in Northeast Pa for the better part of three decades. I have come to understand that the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation driver’s manual is a work of fiction rivaled only by fairytales and some local municipalities ideas of budget control. So here are the updated and corrected rules of the road for NEPA.

First and foremost: The yellow lines in the middle of the road are only put there as a suggestion or maybe as decoration. They really don’t mean anything so feel free to drift over them whenever the spirit moves you. And not just a little. If you feel like taking your half of the road out of the middle, go right ahead!

Turn signals. These devices have been rumored to be an option on cars purchased in Northeast PA but they do serve a function. The procedure is to turn them on as soon as you start driving and leave them on no matter what making everyone guess as to your real intentions.

What if there is an obstruction in your lane on a narrow two lane road? Speed up and get around it at all costs. Ignore traffic oncoming in the other lane like it doesn’t exist. Don’t concern yourself with being in the other lane traveling in the wrong direction.

The left lane on a divided highway is always the travel lane. And it doesn’t mean you have to be going faster than traffic in the right lane. As soon as you get on the turnpike or the interstate plant yourself firmly in the left lane and don’t budge except to make sudden moves to exit. If at all possible have your turn signal on indicating a left hand turn when you swerve to the right. It makes high speed travel much more exhilarating.

Always use your horn and your middle finger when driving. Just giving someone “the finger” does no good if they don’t see it so lay on the horn. What else is it for, anyway?

In winter weather don’t waste time clearing the ice or snow from your car. If you must, scrape a small viewing port in the windshield directly in front of you but forget about cleaning off the side windows or the rear window. It’ll melt eventually. And if you have a big pile of snow and ice on the roof of your auto by all means leave it! Enjoy the view when it flies off and crashes behind you in the path of unsuspecting fellow drivers.

It’s all part of the fun and excitement of a day on the road in Northeast PA.

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About James Rising

A recovering radio addict wrestles with the written word.
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