Charlie Sheen/real petite lap giraffe miss Royal Wedding of Prince William and Miss Catherine Middleton

I was up at 5:00 AM today watching the Royal Wedding. I really couldn’t avoid it. It was on five of the six TV’s in front of the treadmill I was on at the gym that is part of my daily routine. The sixth had ESPN on. No wedding there, no doubt because the only scoring will be later on. Rim shot puhlease. Not funny? So sorry.

The images I saw as I sweated were mostly of the key players being transported to the church. In my twisted mind it reminded me for some reason of the slow-motion Bronco chase featuring O.J. on the LA freeway. Not sure why, but there you go.

After my workout I turned on the plasma at home and parked myself on the couch. I admit, it was irresistible. I mean it was getting such attention it must be important, right? I was drawn to it like a fat man to a buffet.

Of course, being a red-blooded American male I can’t admit that. The long-suffering wife observed that I was glued to the coverage. I demurred, assured her if I was, it was only to get a column out of it and I would sooner be having root canal. She sniffed and made other signs of dismissal. I think she may have seen through me.

No one does pomp and circumstance like our British cousins. Although I have to say that I felt a little concerned that no less than a dozen HD channels were carrying what was essentially an event that could have only one possible outcome it was still something to see. And it was nice to see wall to wall coverage of an event that didn’t end at a cemetery.

Royalty is kind of a mystery to Americans. Tough to imagine what that must be like, to live in a place where the leaders wear crowns and are considered to be divine. But the spectacle and beauty of the ceremony moved even my flint hard heart. From the stately procession of fancy cars ferrying the princes and the bride to be (Rolls Royce must have paid for product placement) to the breathtaking majesty of Westminster Abbey it was eye candy.

The logistics of such an undertaking are mind numbing. Imagine the armies of technicians it must have taken. One stat I heard was $11 million spent on security alone.

The images were breathtaking but as a former radio guy I thought that the audio was thrilling. I was spellbound at the beauty of the choir and the organ was earth shaking. I would really like to hear “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” on that sucker. The total effect was rather like watching a cross between an MGM musical and an over the top Disney movie. It was almost too perfect. The audio was only slightly marred by the horrendous background noise and hiss when they opened the microphones for the ABC commentators. Probably only a radio guy would notice.

Some random thoughts: I lost count at 25 the times Barbara Walters said “fahwytale whedding.” Princess Beatrice of York’s hat looked like it could double as a pink microwave transmitter tower. She could put an eye out with that thing.

What do you do with a hat like that after the ceremony? The Archbishop of Canterbury should consider an eyebrow trim. It looked like two badgers were parked on his forehead.

Prince William (How do you know he’s a Prince? He hasn’t got shit all over him) had a little trouble putting the ring on Kate’s finger. This was noticed and commented on extensively.

It was hard to watch and not to think of the missing guest. As steeped in controversy as Diana was and as tragic as her end was, a Mom ought to be on hand to see her son get hitched.

Charlie Sheen and the real petite lap giraffe were not there either.