I love them. Sometimes they are meant to be serious and that’s what makes them all the more lovable.

“Impotent rage” is a good one. Think about being so mad that you can’t…well you know what you can’t. Now that’s mad! How about the sign I saw at a flea market the other day. “New antiques arriving daily.” I knew there was a factory someplace. Probably the same place that makes “Authentic Reproductions.” Or that “Priceless junk.” You can bring them all home in a “new used car.” “Safe sex” gets me to laughing whenever I am in a bank. I know that I have been drunk but have I ever been “legally drunk?” I wonder at what point it becomes legal? Just before slurring your words?

And how can you be a “devout atheist?” Who do you pray to? Is it permissible to say “Thank God I’m an atheist?” Why is it when someone shares a sandwich with you they always take the “larger half?” How do they do that? Why don’t they just take the “whole piece?” And is it possible to have a “one hundred percent chance” of anything happening?

It’s probably some sort of character flaw on my part but whenever I see a traffic sign that says “watch children” I think about small watches. And I wonder what the pedophiles do when they see those signs?

Here’s one that needs no further explanation. A sheet in a long report that reads “This page intentionally left blank.” No it’s not. I read a blog the other day where the author was proud of his “unbiased opinion.” I guess if he was a movie reviewer he would call a film “unbelievably real.”

All this work is making me hungry. Do you know where I can get a “well done steak?” I mean one that isn’t overcooked of course. Never mind, I’ll just have some “grape nuts.”

Wait.. there isn’t any of either in here. And how am I supposed to tell the difference between “half dressed” and “half naked?” And why do they need a “dressing room” in a strip club? And although I am not a fan of any sport where the winner knocks his opponent out did they think really hard before that named it a “Boxing ring?” Maybe a few too many blows to the head there.

The other day I got my car repaired and before they started they offered me an “exact estimate.” I thought it was too good to be true but I was “cautiously optimistic.” But the best oxymoron is on my computer. To shut it down you click “start”.

With a LARGE debt to the later great George Carlin.

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About James Rising

A recovering radio addict wrestles with the written word.
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