Blog Post for Wednesday 3/23/11 – 30 degrees and has snowed at least 5″, is snowing now and is supposed to snow all day and maybe even snow heavier tonight. I have nothing. Nothing at all.
Before I post the column from today’s WEEKENDER a side note concerning blogs, publications and GOOGLE analytics. Although I do this mostly for my own benefit it is nice to know I have readers. In the US, United Kingdom, Canada, Australia and the Philippines to name the top five countries that have visited here.
Visitors come here via several different routes. Some other bloggers suffering from a unique form of brain damage put my link on their sites. In some cases the visits are “organic” which means (according to my www wise older son) they sought me out on a search engine.
But most of my traffic is from a daily Facebook posting. Yesterday, in an experiment, I posted three items. So I was rubbing my hands together in anticipated glee this morning when I looked at my daily ratings. Which were, of course, not just down, but the lowest since I have started to get decent numbers. Lower than a snakes belly.
And so, and I have arrived at this conclusion before, the secret is to not give a fig. But I am still going to post multiple times today on Facebook linked to this here noble experiment. I have to think it will drive rather than decrease traffic. Have to think that.
The other conclusion is that everything I know is wrong.
I am so glad that I wrote a long two part article heralding spring today in my own twisted fashion. Against my better judgment here it is, as it will appear in the WEEKENDER today:
NEPA- Old Man Winter was found strangled, bludgeoned, shot, poisoned, decapitated, annihilated, dispatched, eradicated, obliterated, drawn and quartered, suffocated, wasted, liquidated and erased over the weekend.
Police said there was no shortage of suspects, in fact some officials, speaking anonymously, said that the general population of the area was taking credit for murdering the Old Man. Prosecution seems unlikely. The general consensus is that no jury will find any guilt associated with the Old Man’s death.
Remnants of the season were found in places where the sun refused to go but they were too small to easily identify. One telltale sign of the death of the Old Man is that Robins and other birds associated with spring have been spotted in the area.
Authorities have suspended a search for suspects in hopes that a perpetrator will come forward and confess. A rumor, later proved false, was that “Punxantawny Phil” was among those responsible for doing in the stubborn old geezer. “Phil”, speaking through an interpreter wearing a top hat and tails said only “See I told you so,” before dancing in his shadow.
A cross section of NEPA citizen’s asked about their feelings in the death of Old Man Winter were candid in their remarks. “I wouldn’t wish anyone harm but the old geezer overstayed his welcome this year,” said one. “Enough, already with the (expletive deleted) ice and snow and sleet and (expletive deleted) I say. Good riddance,” said another. “About time already,” added a third, taking off a heavy overcoat, scarf and hat.
Ominous words were spoken by one area resident. “Just be sure he’s dead before you bury him. Remember what that T.S. Elliot guy said. April is the cruelest month.”
Police ask anyone with information about the death to kindly keep it to themselves.
The following obituary was seen in many local newspapers:
Old Man Winter, known to some as “Jack Frost”, of Northeast Pa and other regions, was taken by death under the usual circumstances, March 20, 2011, 7:21 P.M. EDT. Born December 21st 2010, he was orphaned at an early age and raised by the winds of the North, the snows of Siberia and the ice of the arctics.
Schooled in hard knocks at several local institutions, Winter quickly left his mark on the area causing travel delays, power outages and school closings. In his prime he was famous for confounding television weather forecasters and shocking area residents with unexpected demonstrations of his power. At one point he made it snow every day for what seemed like a month.
He worked closely with plow operators, salt and cinder suppliers and even orthopedic surgeons to ensure them a steady supply of clogged roadways, slippery sidewalks and dislocated shoulders. Rumors of payoffs from local ski areas were suspected but discounted. It is known however, that Winter worked with his close relation, Extreme Cold, to provoke a healthy heating season for energy suppliers. Plumbers and furnace repairman worked with Winter as well.
Winter was preceded in death by fall and is survived by siblings spring and summer, and various children and grandchildren seasons including fishing, hunting, tax, Indian summer and seasons in the sun.
Memorial services will be held wherever the sun breaks through and warms the earth. Blue skies and green grass will serve as reminders of Winter and anytime spring fever breaks out you will remember Winter.
Interment has been ongoing for several weeks. Final resting places in darker corners are slowly melting but are less numerous as days get longer and temperatures rise.
In lieu of anything, flowers, especially daffodils, are welcome. Robins, returning geese and other signs of spring are more than welcome. Baby chicks, pastel colors and a return to lighter clothing, especially among younger females is encouraged.
Epitaph: When I am dead and in my grave, and all my bones are rotten. While reading this you’ll think of me when I am long forgotten! I’ll be back.
The Rant D’Jour is from 2008. The situations it addresses have not improved much. It is heartbreaking.
All of the nearly 200 have the same words. Reading them all over and over again is a mind numbing exercise but probably not as mind numbing…more